Bargain Basement

Yesterday in Kansas City was a beautiful day ... gorgeous blue skies, enough wind to make it not feel too hot ... the perfect day for all the things I had on my list to get done on the Saturday before the great wedding Saturday next weekend. My day started at 6:00 a.m with two hound dogs showering me with doggie kisses and wagging their tails to let me know it was time to rise and shine ... and go potty and eat breakfast. A haircut at 8:00, chiropractor visit at 9:00, a stop by the bank and a visit to Walmart, and back home by 10:30. A walk with Oliver, a little tennis ball tossing with Julie, lunch, lawn mowing (which is much more challenging with my aching shoulder), picture taking of a cute little 1-year-old girl, weed-eating (again, lots of fun with a wounded wing), dinner and caulking my tub.

Just when I thought the day was winding down and I was going to relax for the evening, I began to experience the flashing light that precedes a migraine headache (which I haven't had in a really long time ... stress-induced perhaps?). I groaned as I sloshed down some Excedrine Migraine and grabbed an ice pack for my head. As the flashes began to subside and the ache of my head began, I flipped on the television to discover that the beautiful day had given way to a really stormy night on the way. When the tornado sirens started sounding, I grabbed Julie and Ollie, a bottle of water and a couple of diabetic protein bars, and headed to the basement where we camped on a sleeping bag on the concrete floor under a table until 1:00 a.m.

Laying on the floor of the basement listening to the wail of the sirens, I began to pray that God would keep all my children safe in the storms. I wonder, I thought, as I prayed ... did I worry more about their safety during stormy weather when they lived under my roof and it was my job to protect them or now when they are all living in different places? As I finished praying for my kids, my dogs calmed down and snuggled in next to me on the sleeping bag. I patted their snoozing heads and thought about other stormy nights that were spent in the basement over the last 21 years that I've lived in Kansas City. I thought of times with the kiddos trying to keep them calm and quell my own fear, and I thought of times when I've been alone after they all moved out of the house.

All of a sudden, something struck me as I tried my best to get comfortable on the hard floor. I had no flashlight, no radio, no blood sugar meds or testing kit, one bottle of water, a couple of protein bars and that was it. I didn't even have shoes in the basement with me ... something Meghann told me one night when it was just the two of us huddled together while the sirens blared ... you should always have shoes in case your house gets hit by a tornado and you need to climb out through the debris. "Man, this is dumb," I said aloud. "I don't have anywhere near what I need down here should a tornado come. You'd think after all these years of living here, I would know to have an emergency kit of some sort stashed in the basement."

The more I thought about my lack of preparedness, about my various nights spent in the basement over the years, about my own storms of life, I found myself also thinking about all the times I had tried to bargain with God ... when I was afraid of dying, when I was afraid of something happening to my children, when I was afraid of who I had become ... I would try to bargain my way out of whatever rough spot I was in at the time. And it seems to me that almost every time I found myself in the basement listening to the sirens soulful howl in the night, I promised God that I would be a better person, I would do whatever He wanted if He would keep the tornado away, if He would just make the storms disappear.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was of the storm last night and for people who had lost their homes or were injured, and I whispered a prayer for comfort for them. As I sat on my deck drinking my coffee in the warmth of the morning sun, I realized that God had taught me something last night ... He doesn't always make the storms disappear ... sometimes I have to go through them whether I like it or not. And sometimes I have to hunker down in my basement when the storms are so intense and the danger is imminent. But here's the thing ... when the storms are raging, God doesn't want me trying to bargain with Him ... He wants me to trust Him ... to pull the blanket of His love over my head and to crawl under the table of His grace.

Teach me, Lord ... mold me, Lord ... show me, Lord ... no more trying to bargain while I'm in the basement, God ... I know that You love me just as I am ... You love me just as I am.