Why I Write

When my three children all lived at home, the weekends were always crazy around our house. It wasn't just the activity of my own children that made the weekends busy, it was also due in part to all of their friends who spent countless hours in my house as well. My mom used to say that the entrance to my house was like a revolving door. I remember so many of them ... Mickey, Greg, Jackie, George, Lisa, Zach, Matt A. ... and my list could go on and on. They were all pretty good kids, and I loved that they enjoyed spending time at my house. I recently got a Facebook message from one of the young men telling me that I was always his favorite second mom ... I'm pretty sure it was because I made the best banana pudding in the world, and that young man could throw back some food like a champ. Add to the friend factor of my children all of their own activities, and things could get pretty darned hectic at times. I was a pretty laid-back mom on many things, but there was one thing that I wouldn't budge on ... there were times when it needed to be just our family ... me, Matt, Brad and Meghann. I'm not sure if my kiddos needed those times when it was just the four of us, but I know I surely did. My weekends are certainly different now ... most of the activity or noise around here is when Julie and Ollie get into a wrestling match in the living room, but even that doesn't happen as much as it used to because Julie is getting old.

While most of my weekends are pretty quiet now, every now and again, I get the opportunity to spend some time with Meghann and Barrett or Brad and Shelby. And yesterday was a super unusual day in that I got to spend some time in the afternoon with Meg and Barrett chatting and visiting at Olive Garden, and then went last night to the Kansas City Film Festival with Brad and Shelby for a screening of one of his films (and it was awesome, friends, to sit in a theater and see my son's work on the big screen!). Another film that was screened was about a couple who had given up their high-paying jobs a few years ago to do something huge ... they have adopted 10 children with special needs ... yep, 10 children with special needs ranging in age from 19 years old to 18 months. There were many things about the family's story that struck me last night as I watched, but it was one segment when the mom talked about finding purpose and meaning in her life that touched me the most deeply. As she spoke about her decision to give up a six-figure law practice to become a full-time mom to children who desperately need love and acceptance, tears filled my eyes as I listened. The segment ended with words that have haunted me today ... words that I can't shake from my mind. "Everyone has a purpose, a reason they were born. I thought mine was to be an attorney; I thought I had it all figured out. But my real purpose in life ... what I was born to do is to give love to those the world considers unlovable."

As I watched the love and affection of the family displayed on the screen before me, I thought about the time I've had recently with each of my children ... time a week or so ago with Matt, Becca and C.J., time yesterday afternoon with Meghann and Barrett, time last night with Brad and Shelby. And as I drove home alone and entered my quiet house, I was overwhelmed with thoughts that were crashing through my mind. Thoughts about my children, thoughts about my purpose in life. My children love me. They love me today the same way they have always loved me. They hug me when we greet, and they hug me when we part. That's something I miss a lot, you know ... hugs. I don't hug as freely or as quickly as I used to with other people. And honestly, that's been one of the hardest things for me since my post at the beginning of the year, having to be careful of what others might think if I hug someone. People don't hug me as much either ... I guess there's a reason for that, perhaps they think they'll catch something from me. But my children ... my children love me. They love me. They are not embarrassed to be with me ... they are still free and open in their demonstration of love for me ... they are still proud that I'm their mom. My children still love me, and I will always love them.

As to my purpose in life and the reason I was born ... well, I'm still working on that part. I do know one thing, though ... I do know why I write. I know why I wrote that post earlier this year and why we made our video. I know why I write about God and family and friends and pretending to be part of the Partridge Family and my dad's old green truck and rabbit-killing wiener dogs and diabetes and depression and the plethora of other things I write about. I know why I wrote the words that appear on the note cards in the video. I write because, for some reason that I will never understand, there are many of you who are moved or helped or touched by the words I pen ... and I know that because you have written to tell me so. I write for you, and we filmed Ears Wide Open? for you ... for those of you who need to laugh along with me when I'm outside in my underwear prying my wiener dog's mouth from a lifeless rabbit's neck, those of you who need to cry along with me when my tears fall like rain and sadness threatens to destroy me, those of you who need to hope along with me that the day will arrive when I'm OK with who I am, those of you who need to walk along the trail with me as I learn lesson after lesson about the gift of living, those of you who need to love along with me when what I really want to do is return hate for hate, those of you who need to believe along with me that God's love never fails, never ends and never abandons even when my faith is so very weak.

Now that I think about it ... maybe I do know at least part of my purpose in life and the reason God gave me life ... maybe I do after all.