Checking Out

My friend and fellow blogger Sunny has often told me that the posts she appreciates most from my blog are the ones that are raw, real and gut wrenchingly honest. Well, I'm putting a disclaimer at the beginning of this entry for those of you who may want to opt out of reading today's post ... it may be the rawest, most real, most gut wrenchingly honest one I've ever penned. It's been a hard one to write, one that has taken me a couple of days to gather all the thoughts that have been swirling around in my brain into a presentable and readable form, but it's also one that has been on my heart and mind for a while. Something that happened in Kansas City on Tuesday caused me to acknowledge that it's time to write these words.

I've written before about how I don't watch a lot of television anymore ... but I do watch the local news every morning while I'm getting ready for work, and more specifically, I watch the weather to see what's in store for the day outside. I have a favorite station for that information, as I'm sure many of you do, and that favorite is based in large part on the personalities of the newscasters and the weather people. My favorite station here in KC has long been Fox 4, and my favorite weather guy of all time has been Don Harman. I loved his whimsical manner of reporting, his quirky sense of humor, his involvement in various charity work ... on the air, he seemed like the happiest guy in the world, married with a 2 1/2 year old little girl and a great career. What I'm sure that most of his viewers never knew, including myself, was that Don had long struggled with depression, and on Tuesday afternoon, he took his own life at the young age of 41.

Needless to say, there has been a ton of commentary over the last couple of days concerning Don's passing ... some encouraging and compassionate about him and toward his family, some negative and insensitive from people who do not understand depression and its potentially fatal outcome in a person's life. Which leads me to the real core of what I want to say in this post ... depression is a nasty beast, and those who have never known someone or are not yourself fighting the fiery dragon should take a step back before hurling those stones of judgment. I say this because I've been the person who didn't understand ... I've been the person who said, "Just get happy," or "What does he have to be depressed about?" or "You need to pray harder and sin less," or ... "How could anyone ever commit suicide and think they could even have a remote chance of going to heaven?" Hard to admit, but very true ... I have been the one who sat in judgment over people who struggled with depression and I spoke those very words. But I'm not that person any longer, friends ... I'm the one on the other side ... now I can fully empathize with those who fight depression each day.

I understand days that require every ounce of strength and fortitude I possess to get out of bed and get dressed. I understand what it means to have no appetite at all and to have to force myself to eat. I understand how draining it is to try and put on a happy face when I'm with others. I understand the overwhelming sadness that comes when I see that people are uncomfortable being around me. I understand what it feels like to stare at my face in the mirror every morning and wonder if I can go through another day. I understand the frustration of trying medication after medication hoping that one will eventually work. I understand the disjointedness that accompanies not fitting in or belonging anywhere anymore. I understand losing all interest in the things I formerly enjoyed. I understand loneliness and isolation. I understand making the choice not to see the doctors anymore because the visits are pointless. I understand the penetrating fear that engulfs me when I wonder if the chemicals in my brain will ever be balanced again. I understand the all-consuming grief that floods my soul when people no longer call or visit or email or invite. I understand the piercing guilt that sweeps through me when someone tells me my faith isn't strong enough to make me well, or that I should be more thankful and I would be well, or that I'm not trying hard enough to get well ... trust me, I understand the whole guilt side of depression very, very well. And I understand being in the darkest of all places ... a place where a person can feel that no one cares, a place where a person can recognize and accept that whether they live or die makes no difference, a place where a person desires to no longer burden those around them, a place where a person says, "I give up." Now I understand the depth of the pain and despair that Don Harman felt on Tuesday when he made his final decision to check out of life ... now I understand because now I understand what depression feels like, what it tastes like, what it smells like. Now I understand because now I understand firsthand what depression is and what it can do to a person.

On this morning's newscast, the anchors who worked so closely with Don were open and transparent in both their grief and in the cause of Don's death. I sat on my couch eating breakfast with tears streaming down my cheeks watching the television as the anchors couldn't hold back their own tears as they spoke about their beloved friend. They ended the segment with some tear-filled words that have rolled around in my mind all day ... "If you are struggling with depression, don't give up trying to get help. And if someone you love is fighting it, don't ever give up trying to help them. Don't give up." Again I say, depression is a nasty beast ... a nasty beast indeed.

My thoughts and prayers tonight are with Don's family and friends ... I can't imagine the depth of their pain and grief. I know this is a long post, but I feel that I would be remiss if I didn't end with a list of the warning signs that indicate a person may be at risk for suicide.
 

• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
• Talking about death or dying.
• Withdrawing from family and friends.
• Feeling hopeless.
• Feeling helpless.
• Feeling strong anger or rage.
• Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation.
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
• Abusing drugs or alcohol.
• Exhibiting a change in personality.
• Acting impulsively or recklessly.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
• Experiencing a change in eating habits.
• Performing poorly at work or in school.
• Giving away prized possessions.
• Writing a will. 
• Feeling excessive guilt or shame. 

"If you are struggling with depression, don't give up trying to get help. And if someone you love is fighting it, don't ever give up trying to help them. Don't give up."