On Saturday evening, Matt called and asked if I'd like to Skype for a while with my granddaughter. Is there ever a time when I don't want to Skype with my son, daughter-in-law and little C.J.? On Sunday evening, Meghann called and asked if I'd like to meet her and Barrett for dinner at their favorite sushi restaurant. Is there ever a time when I don't want to eat dinner with my daughter and son-in-law? On Monday morning, Brad called and asked if I'd like to have lunch with him at the Thai place across the street from my office. Is there ever a time when I don't want to have lunch with my son? This morning, Brad's girlfriend Shelby sent me a message telling me she loved me and would be thinking of me today as I spoke. Is there ever a time when I don't absolutely love reading her messages? I know I've said it a ton of times in my posts, but I'm saying it again ... my children ... all six of them ... are incredible young adults with such amazing hearts. Their love for me and their acceptance of me inspire me every day ... those six young people inspire me to love ... to laugh ... to live.
Those of you who've been reading with me for a while know that I used to speak to women's groups ... a lot. Though I've mentioned in previous posts that all of the engagements I had booked cancelled after I told the truth about my sexuality, I've written very little about where my heart has been in recent months concerning whether or not I would ever speak again. Perhaps because I spoke before a group this morning for the first time since last fall, I feel like there are a few things I should share with you this evening as to where I am concerning speaking. But before I do, please know this ... I don't have the answers to so very many questions that have arisen since the first of the year. In fact, I have far more questions than I do answers at this point in my life. But there is one question I believe I finally know the answer to ... God still has a plan for my life, and I believe part of that plan involves helping others through telling my story.
I thought I was prepared for all of my speaking engagements to cancel when I hit publish on my post at the beginning of the year ... I was abundantly aware that telling the truth about myself would carry with it some far-reaching and painful consequences. I was wrong about being prepared for the fallout concerning speaking ... it hurt, and it hurt deeply. Some of the groups were kind and compassionate when they contacted me to cancel, and some were ... well ... some were just plain old hateful and mean. Though I was aware of the depth and scope that the consequences could involve, I was wrong about just how incredibly painful some of those consequences would turn out to be. It didn't take long for me to understand that being a public speaker was over for me ... the one thing in my life that I felt a true calling to do was over. I resigned myself to the fact that I had been wrong ... wrong about so very many things in my life.
This morning, I stood in front of a group of professionals, counseling professionals, people who change and save lives every single day, and told my story. And for those of you who are waiting with bated breath to know ... I didn't throw up or faint. I did sweat a lot in my purple shirt, but I didn't toss my cookies or have a close encounter with the floor ... and honestly, I'm pretty darned happy about both of those things tonight. I wore my shiny shoes and suspenders to give me confidence, and I even threw on a paisley bow tie for an extra boost in the good luck department. I was super nervous this morning, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to talk or text with anyone because I knew I would get teary. The closer it got to the time for me to stand before the group, the more nervous I grew ... and the more I sweated in my purple shirt. I don't know if the folks in the audience could see it, but my hands were shaking as I placed my watch on the podium so that I could keep an eye on the time as I spoke. But the minute I started speaking, something happened ... something big happened that no other person in that room realized was happening ... just me ... and God.
It only took a few seconds for the old familiar feeling to return ... the feeling I used to always get when I spoke for a group. Even though what I was speaking about today was deeply personal and quite painful at times, I felt it once again ... I felt the calling ... the deep in my gut gnawing that I'm supposed to be speaking, that I'm supposed to be helping other people ... the deep in my gut gnawing that God wants something from me. And this morning, like never before, I understood just what it is He wants ... He wants me to listen ... with my ears wide open ... to the calling ... to His calling.
My eyes filled with tears several times as I spoke this morning, and I saw tears in the eyes of many of the people as they listened. My voice cracked with emotion more than once, and the note card I held in my hands was bent and crinkly from my non-stop fiddling with it. I was truly humbled by the hugs and the comments from the people in the session after we wrapped up with a question and answer time. Several of them placed their business cards in my hand as they said, "I want to talk to you further about speaking for my group ... I'll be in touch soon," and a couple of the women talked to me about speaking in a national arena.
Though I don't understand why, and though I feel so very unworthy of His love, I don't think God is finished with me just yet, friends ... I think He may just be getting started ... He may just be indeed.
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