Not Good Enough

My children spent most of their growing-up years being raised by a single mom ... a single mom who often thinks I did more things wrong than I did right back then, especially when it came to being the kind of mom I should have been to my kids. I shouldn't have worked so much ... I should have spent more time with them. I shouldn't have spent so much time talking ... I should have listened to them talk instead. I shouldn't have been so demanding about things that didn't matter ... I should have been more flexible and more laid back and had more fun with them. I shouldn't have focused so much about having them in church every time the doors were open ... I should have taught them more about God and His unconditional love. But for all the things I did wrong as a mom, there's one thing in particular that I hope and pray I never, ever did ... I hope I never once made my children feel as though they weren't good enough for me to love them ... that they weren't good enough to make me proud of them ... that they weren't good enough to deserve the very best that life has to offer them. I hope instead that my children always knew and still know that there are no rules, no measurements, no boundaries, no expectations, no conditions on my love and devotion to them. From the moment they were formed in my womb, Matt, Brad and Meghann have always been and will always be so much more than good enough.

I visited another church this morning, and before you ask, it hasn't gotten any easier for me to walk into a church ... yet ... there's a word that packs a lot of hope into three little letters ... yet. The music for the service was amazing, there's really no other word for it ... the music was simply amazing. The minister preached on the first eight verses from the gospel written by Mark, and he brought a new perspective to them that I had never considered before. My dad used to always say just when you thought you knew what the Bible says, God would teach you something new ... in case I haven't said it enough, my dad was the smartest man I've ever known. As the soft-spoken pastor began to talk about how we shouldn't hesitate when God asks something of us, I blinked back tears because I felt like the minister could read my mind and that he was speaking directly to me. He talked about how often we say we aren't good enough to do what God places before us ... about how we throw up every excuse we can for why we don't step out in faith and follow Him wherever He may lead. You bet I felt like he was preaching to me ... you bet I did.

As I drove home following the service, I couldn't get the words of the minister off my mind ... but more importantly, I haven't been able to get his words off my heart all day. You have no idea how many times I've said the words "I'm not good enough," over the last year, especially when it comes to God's love for me or believing that there is something He has for me to do for Him. I suppose I've always felt that way to a certain extent, but my feelings of unworthiness and self-hate hit a whole new level last year. The minister this morning said something that pierced the very core of my soul ... "If you wait until you're good enough to follow God, you'll never follow Him. If you wait until you're good enough to help your fellow man, you'll never help anyone." Perhaps more than any other time in my life, I understand the depth of truth contained in those words ... because I know with every fiber of my being that I will never be good enough ... never ever.

Here's the thing, friends ...I will never be good enough or kind enough or compassionate enough or loving enough or honest enough or caring enough or pure enough or true enough or selfless enough. I will never be anything enough to do what God asks me to do ... to be who He asks me to be ... to say what He asks me to say ... to go where He asks me to go.

I will never be good enough ... but He is.