Oh To Be Young Again

There are times when I feel very old ... times like when it's really cold outside and my bones ache or when I'm asked if I should receive a senior discount because of my white hair or when I'm so tired at the end of a day that I go to bed at 8:00. But then there are other times when I don't feel my 53 years ... times like when I walk fast enough to pass much younger walkers on the trail or when I carry Ollie on my shoulder for several miles or when I used to visit folks in the retirement home or when I interact with some of the young people at my office or when I used to help out with the little kids at church. I'm glad that the times I feel younger than my age are still greater than the times I don't, though I'm well aware that those feeling younger days are probably quite numbered. I had a conversation with a couple of my friends at work on Friday in which I mentioned that I think I'm still pretty young at heart. I mean, seriously ... how many 53-year-old women do you know who can totally rock bow ties, suspenders and Converse shoes, not to mention super-cool spiky hair? It's odd to me that I said those words to my friends on Friday ... it's odd to me because of what I did last night ... something that was so fun, so engaging, so ... well ... so very cool and awesome, dudes. (That's me sounding young and hip in case you older folks missed it.)

Most of you know that my son Brad is a filmmaker, and as such, he often enters his work for consideration in various film festivals ... one of these days, my boy will have a film in the Sundance Film Festival ... I guarantee it. For the last several years, Brad and his crew have competed in a local film festival in the town where he lives; I think last evening's festival marked the fourth year Brad has submitted a film. This particular festival is rather unique in that the filmmakers have 48 hours to write, produce, film, edit and submit their film to the judges. If you know anything at all about movie production, you know that's a very difficult task to accomplish. The participants can't work ahead because each year the criteria and requirements for the films change, and the filmmakers don't know the topic or the specifics until right before the 48-hour time period begins. The films are all relatively short, sort of like a movie trailer, and the top 25 are selected to be shown at a theater to an audience and then prizes for 1st, 2nd, 3rd place and People's Choice are awarded. I had never attended this particular festival with Brad before, so when he invited me last week, I assured him I would definitely be there this year.

It's about a 35-minute drive from my house to the town where Brad lives ... a really cool university town that seems to always be teaming with people, especially on the main street that runs through the center of the city. I was delighted when I received a text from Brad on Friday evening asking if I'd like to come early on Saturday and go to dinner with him and Shelby. As I've mentioned before, weekends are difficult for me ... sometimes the loneliness of those two days is almost more than I can handle, so it's good for me to have something to occupy my time and I always love spending time with my kids. I met Brad and Shelby at one of their favorite restaurants, along with Brad's roommate Roy and their friend Kevin. I've known Roy since he and Brad were in high school, but it's only recently that I've gotten to know Kevin ... two great young men with brilliant minds and truly good hearts. I couldn't help but smile at the four young people around the table as they ate, and I was truly tickled when Kevin casually dipped some of his food in my blue cheese dressing and Roy offered me a taste of the spicy mustard that accompanied his meal. As I listened to them talking and laughing, I was struck by how comfortable I am with all of them ... how open our conversations are ... how much they treat me as one of them when we're together.

After dinner, we walked to the theater where the festival was being held ... a nice, leisurely stroll on a beautiful, cool Kansas summer evening, made even better by the lighthearted conversation that took place as we walked. Some of Brad and Shelby's other friends met us at the theater and as I watched them all greet one another with hugs and handshakes, I found myself thinking how wonderful it is that Brad has such a devoted group of young men and women as friends who encourage him in his filmmaking career ... that group of friends often makes time to attend the various film festivals to support Brad, and it's always touching for me to see their loyalty and commitment to my son.

Brad recently sold his film production company and went to work for the company that bought him out as their director of film. I'll be honest, when Brad first told me of his decision, I was a bit concerned as to whether or not it was the right move for him. Once again, however, I was completely wrong ... Brad absolutely loves working for the new company, and he can't say enough wonderful things about the folks he's working with. I certainly can relate to how life-changing it can be to work for a great company filled with incredible people who become like family to you. Last night, one of the guys Brad works with and his wife attended the film festival to cheer Brad on in the competition ... very, very, very cool. The young man's wife was quick to strike up a conversation with me and let me know that she is friends with several people I either currently work with or have in the past. During the intermission time, our conversation shifted to a topic of a more serious nature, and I was blown away by the young couple's words of acceptance and affirmation ... just blown away ... in a good way ... in a very, very good way.

As I said my goodbyes to Mike and Mary and Brad and Shelby and their friends, there were high-fives and hugs all around, and of course, Brad's traditional kiss and "Love you, Mom." And as I pulled out of the parking lot, I smiled the smile of the young at heart ... I smiled the smile of feeling accepted and appreciated and loved for exactly who I am ... I smiled the smile of a mom who is so very thankful for the love of my children (all six of them) ... so very, very thankful. Driving home in the darkness of the night with the cool, crisp air wafting through the lowered window of my car, it hit me ... it's my children who keep me young at heart ... it's my children who remind me that I belong, that I fit, that I'm wanted and loved. 

Oh to be young again? Nah ... I think I like being 53. I think I like being old enough to look back on my past and both forgive myself for the mistakes I've made and appreciate the lessons it has taught me. I think I like being young enough to believe there may still be an adventure or two for me out there somewhere. I think I'm beginning to hate myself a little less and maybe even like myself a little more. I think I'm growing more certain with every passing day that God loves me ... the real me, not the me I pretended to be for all those years. Even as I type those words, I'm reminded of last fall and the very difficult conversations I had with my children ... conversations that caused me to wonder if I would lose the most important people in my life forever. Now ... now, friends ... I go shopping with my daughter Meghann and watch her run in 10k races and have dinner with her and my son-in-law Barrett. Now ... now, friends ... I get on airplanes and fly to Canada and walk with my son Matt and cook breakfast with my daughter-in-law Becca and play games around their table and giggle with my granddaughter C.J. Now ... now, friends ... I eat dinner with Brad and Shelby and attend film festivals and laugh with their friends and collaborate with my son on films. 

Oh to be young again? Nah ... I think I like it here ... I think I like it here a whole lot.