Who Are You?

There are many things I remember quite clearly from the early days of my Dad's descent into the void of Alzheimer's disease, but some of my most vivid memories involve the questions he would repeatedly ask me when I would travel to Tennessee from Florida (we lived there for a couple of years before we moved to Kansas) or Kansas to visit my family. It was so very sad to watch my dad forget how to do things he had done his whole life, and not to recognize the people he loved so dearly. In the beginning stages, he would ask more about things than people, and he would often get fixated on one certain item ... like his watch, for example. Daddy would ask over and over where his watch was, and when I would tell him it was on his wrist, he would say, "That's not my watch ... where's my watch?" Or he would ask where he should go to buy a new saw blade or seeds for the garden, even though he had traveled to the Red Bank Hardware store for decades to purchase those items. For as difficult as it was to hear Daddy ask those kinds of questions, the sadness I felt the first time he looked into my eyes with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Who are you?" was the deepest I had ever felt before.

It's really hot in Kansas City today, hot and humid. I took Ollie for a walk at 6:30 this morning, and by the time we got home, my t-shirt and shorts were completely soaked with sweat. I've been trying to convince myself all afternoon to go outside and mow the lawn, but my "It's way too hot to mow" chant has managed thus far to win out. Instead, I did some cleaning and laundry, and then plopped down on the couch and began channel searching in the hope that I could find a good movie to watch. I settled on "Jerry Maguire" ... I haven't seen that movie for a really long time, it was just beginning, and the little boy in it is simply adorable. For some reason now, certain lines in movies seem to strike chords with me like they never did before ... and no, I'm not talking about the two most well-known ones from the Jerry movie, "Show me the money!" and "You had me at hello." Yes, those are both great lines, but there were a couple of questions that spoke to me so deeply this morning ... questions that Jerry utters near the beginning of the movie.

If you haven't seen the movie, or if it's been a long time since you've seen it, you really should watch it ... it's filled with some great life lessons (and the little boy in it is simply adorable ... oh, wait, I said that already). Several events had caused Jerry to do some serious soul searching, and he decides he doesn't like the person he's become ... a shallow, money-hungry, arrogant man who cares only about making his way to the top, not caring who he has to hurt or step on or cheat or lie to or betray in order to get there. In a moment of what seems to him to be clarity and inspiration, he writes a mission statement ... for himself personally and also for how business is conducted in the field of sports management. But before he begins filling page after page with his revelation on his laptop, he asks himself the questions, "Who are you? Who have you become?" Did you catch that? Before he could write a mission statement for himself (or anyone else for that matter), Jerry had to figure out who he was ... who he was and who he wanted to be. He took a serious look at himself and knew that he wasn't who he wanted to be, but so much more ... he saw the man he wanted to become, and he changed.

I can certainly relate to taking a serious look at myself and asking, "Who are you?" Yep, I can relate to that question in a big way ... I've been asking it of myself for decades. And for the first time in my life, I think I know the answer ... well ... I think I'm starting to figure out the answer anyway. There are a couple of other lines Jerry says during the scene when he's coming to grips with who he is and who he wants to become ... lines that I think I'll leave you with tonight, along with a couple of my favorite verses from the Old Testament. Think about the lines ... think about the questions ... think about the verses ... and maybe ask yourself ... "Who are you?" Here's the thing ... maybe we should all want to be better than we are ... to care more, love more, complain less, judge less, help more, listen more, talk less, look deeper, give more ... and more ... and more of ourselves to one another. I've got a feeling that's the kind of person God wants me to be ... I've got a feeling that's the kind of people He wants all of us to be.

"I hated myself ... no, I hated my place in the world."

"It was the me I'd always wanted to be."

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
     I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
     I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers,
     they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, 
     you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-2