Toy Story Gospel

It's hard to believe that it's been 18 years since the original Toy Story movie was released in theaters, the first feature-length computer animated film. Matt was 10 years old, Brad was seven and Meghann was six ... and I remember well taking the three of them to see the movie and how much they all loved it. The film was produced by Pixar Animation Studios and released by Walt Disney Pictures, was the top-grossing movie on its opening weekend and went on to gross over $361 million worldwide. Of course there have been sequels, and there's still a gigantic market for Toy Story-related toys and clothing ... I'd say the Toy Story franchise was a stroke of creative and marketing genius for sure.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about feeling like it's time for me to go back to church ... but the real truth is that it's about way more than feeling like I need to go to church, way, way more. It's about making my peace with God (if that's possible) ... it's about believing in His plan for me (if He has one) ... it's about finding somewhere to serve and belong (if that place exists). It's odd to me that church was such a huge part of my life before ... for all those years that I was living a lie, I was over-the-top faithful about going to church. I've stood before countless groups of women over the last 10 years as a keynote speaker and shared my faith ... my faith ... I shared my faith. Tell me there isn't some super deep irony there ... when I finally told the truth, when for the first time in my life I was truly honest ... well ... suffice it to say that there are some wounds that are really tough to heal. It's big-time hard for me to go back to church ... it's hard to walk in alone and wonder if I'm going to be judged or rejected; it's downright terrifying, in fact. But ... but ... but ... I meant it when I said to my friend, "He has always loved me ... He always has. It's time for me to go back to church ... it's time for me to stop hating myself so much ... He kept me here for a reason ... it's time for me to listen." It's about so very much more than going back to church ... so very much more.

I decided last week that I need to visit various churches for a while ... you know, ease into getting back in church and be anonymous for a time, visiting one church and then another means no one knows me. I mentioned the church I went to last week and how the service was different than any I had previously attended, not in a bad way at all; in fact, the people were warm and friendly, and I could sense a feeling of family among them. From the minute I was handed a bulletin as I entered the sanctuary of the church I attended this morning, I was intrigued. You see, on the front of the bulletin was a picture of the main characters from the movie Toy Story, Buzz Lightyear and Woody. Again, the people were warm and friendly, and the music was upbeat and contemporary. But it was the words of the pastor that pierced my heart ... words about loneliness and brokenness and love and togetherness. Turns out he's doing a series of sermons incorporating animated films and the messages contained within them ... messages that strongly correlate to the truths in God's Word. He showed the clip from Toy Story where Woody and Buzz are trapped in the mean kid Sid's room, waiting for their soon demise ... Woody held prisoner in a cage and Buzz with a rocket strapped to his back. The pastor talked about how it was in the darkest times of their lives that the two toys realized that they had a common bond ... the love of the little boy who owned them. And in the poignant moment when Buzz looks at the sole of his boot and sees Andy's name inscribed there just like it was on Woody's ... just go watch the clip and think about belonging to God and how He writes His name on our hearts. Belonging to God ... Him writing His name on my heart ... Him knowing me before I was born ... Him loving me always. That whole remaining anonymous comment at the beginning of this paragraph? The minister this morning said something that I think I'll be pondering for a while ... he said we are safest in life when people know us and we know them, that it's in that safe place of knowing one another that we can truly love.

There was a time of communion near the end of the service this morning, a time of communion that I once again passed on participating in. Remember when I said that communion is about so much more to me than the juice and the wafer and that it's been a very long time since I have taken communion? I'm sure I'll write more about it in a future post ... I'm quite positive that I will ... but I stopped at the store on my way home after church and bought some juice and bread. And this evening, I took the juice, the bread and my Bible and spent some time over at the creek. As I sat on the rocks by the creek with tears streaming down my face, the words of the song a young woman sang at the close of church coursed through my mind ... words that perhaps some of you need to hear as well. 

"The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes 

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah"