First, I want to assure those of you who've messaged me since yesterday that I only took the prescribed amount of Xanax before I climbed onto the airplane in Kansas City. Actually, I ended up only taking half of the dose my doctor told me to, and boy, oh, boy, am I glad I did. When I went back and read my post from yesterday that I wrote on the plane ... yep, I'm sure glad I didn't take the full dose. I can only imagine what I might have said or done if I had ... actually, my guess is they would have never let me on the plane.
So ... many of you have messaged me asking how my first flying experience in 23 years went. And here's the short answer: It wasn't terrible, but it also would not rank up there with one of my top-ten things I'd like to do more often either. The airport security check wasn't really too bad at all, except that my suspenders (which I offered to take off, by the way) caused me to have to be searched by one of the guards. Brad and I really had to hoof it to make our connecting flight in Minneapolis, but we got to the gate in time for me to post my crazy "in the clouds" blog yesterday before we boarded our second plane of the day. Customs here in Canada was a breeze; the only thing they asked me was if I had any medications. I smiled and said, "Yep, I sure do, sir." He smiled back and said, "Anything illegal? What is your medication used to treat?" I said diabetes, he said okay, and that was that. Well, except for the totally cool drug search dog who came over and sniffed my suitcase.
Matt was waiting for Brad and I after we exited customs, and I'm not even going to attempt to put into words how good it was to see my son for the first time in nine months. Suffice it to say that we hugged for a good long while. Matt and Brad chatted as we walked to the car, and Matt gave us a short rundown on Canada life as he drove us back to where he and Becca and C.J. live. They had decided that Becca would stay home with C.J. and let her nap while Matt came to get me and Brad at the airport so that she would be fresh and happy when we arrived. And again, I'm not even going to attempt to put into words the emotion that flooded my heart when I sat on the couch and held my precious little granddaughter for the first time in way too long. Suffice it to say that she is amazing, simply amazing, and I can't believe how incredibly smart she is ... of course she is smart, most geniuses are.
Other than having an upset stomach that's been with me since I arrived, I'm having a great time and soaking in as much baby love as I can. I'll give you a better recounting when my gut stops aching of what we've been doing in another post . But for tonight, I'm going to try to get some sleep and hope that by morning my stomach feels better. And I promise those posts will not come from High Terrie, but from Terrie whose feet are planted firmly on the ground. Promise.
Sleep well, friends.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
High Terrie
I’m on a freaking airplane. Up in the sky. High. Really,
really, really high. In the air. And I’m feeling pretty darn relaxed from the
medicine, too. And there’s a strong, handsome young man sitting next to me who
hasn’t punched me in the face yet. I think that’s a good thing that he hasn’t
punched me yet. And I think yet may be the key word there. I’m glad Brad is
with me. I could have never done this by myself. Never. K. The plane was really
smooth and now it’s bumpy. I don’t like that. I don’t like the bumpy part. Not
even a little. Maybe I should take another one of those pills. Wait a minute,
I’m going to ask Brad if I can have one. He says no more pills until we get to
Minneapolis … is that how you spell Minneapolis? And where did that name come
from anyway? Who would name that for a town? All towns should be named like
Happyville or Town with a Happy Name or Clap Your Hands City. Those kind of
sound like Dances with Wolves names to me though. I love that movie Dances With
Wolves. Remember that movie? And the girl’s name was Stands With a Fist because
she always stood with her hands clinched in a fist because she wanted to punch
somebody in the face. Brad hasn’t punched me in the face yet. And I think
that’s a good thing that he hasn’t punched me yet. This man in a tie with a cart
thing with drinks on it just gave me some cookies. I don’t think he knows I
have diabetes and shouldn’t probably eat the cookies. They smell good though
and the lady across from me is eating her cookies. She has on the ugliest boots
I’ve ever seen and they don’t match her shirt or her pants. Your shoes should
always match your shirt or your pants. Especially Converse. I like Converse a
lot. But I didn’t bring any to Canada because it’s way too cold there for
Converse. I have on my new awesome suede wingtips with orange soles and orange
laces. They are so cool and so like Ellen shoes. And I have on my brown
suspenders and they didn’t make me take them off in security because the guy
said I looked really cute in them. And then this lady in a uniform said she had
to pat on my back and my arms because I have on suspenders. I should start a new paragraph
because this one is long, isn’t it?
Brad’s asleep and the plane is tilting. I’m going to wake
him up and asked him why it feels like we are leaning sideways. Is that what
planes are supposed to do? Maybe it’s not the plane that’s leaning and it’s me.
Maybe I’m leaning sideways. There’s not much room in these seats unless you pay
a lot of money to sit in the front. Speaking of sitting in the front, when we
got on the plane there was a soldier sitting in the back and they announced her
name and had her come to the front and sit in the front row and we all clapped
for her while she walked down the aisle thingy. She was wearing a cool uniform
with green and brown spots on it and a hat. That was pretty cool to see
everybody do that. My nephew Charlie is a soldier and he would like that. I
would clap for him, too, if he was on the plane. I would clap for him anytime
though. I liked that soldier girl’s hat. I like suspenders, too and I have on
my brown ones today. With my new suede wingtip shoes and my plaid orange shirt
and brown socks. No wait, they are tan because I just looked to see what color
they are. The bumpy is gone for now and that’s good because I don’t like the
bumpy part of the plane. Oh wait, there it comes again. I don’t like the bumpy
part even a little. Planes shouldn’t bump, you know. They should be not bumpy.
My ears are plugged but they haven’t exploded yet. I think that’s probably a
good thing that they haven’t. I’m not sure about my kidneys or my colon or my
heart because I don’t think I would feel it right away if they exploded. And
there may be like a delayed reaction or something because I’m on a plane in the
air. Something to do with cabin pressure and crap like that. My ears are
popping like crazy though but they aren’t hurting. And I think that’s probably
a good thing.
This medicine isn’t making me sleeping but it does make me
feel pretty good. Kind of like I’m floating in the air or maybe that’s because
I’m in the air on a plane. Some of my friends texted me this morning to tell me
that the plane was going to be all good. At least it’s not bumping right now,
but some man on the speaker just said that we’re descending to Minneapolis. I
don’t like that feeling. Not one bit. Oh no I don’t. I don’t like that at all.
My stomach feels like it used to on a roller coaster and I don’t like roller
coasters. Not one bit. I don’t like this feeling.
I have to turn off my computer now. Holy crap, I don’t like
this feeling at all. Not one bit. Love you guys, every single one of you. Oh, I
so don’t like this. If I live through this, I’ll blog on the next plane. Oh I
really don’t like this at all.
On the ground, and I would like to stay here. But instead now I'm getting on a little plane and going to Canada.
There's a baby at the end of the plane. Just breathe. And take another pill.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
So I Have This Friend ...
I sort of wrestled on what to write about tonight ... I am getting on a plane in the morning after all and should any of the things happen that I wrote about last night, tonight's blog should be one that you will all remember forever, right? I was torn between something funny with a title like "Planes, Trains and One Over-the-Top, Freaked-Out Terrie" or something mega-serious with a title like "What I Would Write if This Were My Last Post." I've actually been contemplating tonight's post for a couple of weeks since I bought the plane tickets ... and it was as I drove home from work tonight that I knew what I wanted to say. I have no idea if this will be one of those posts that clicks with some of you, or if it's one that will be widely read and passed along. And the truth is, I know it's one of those posts I need to write ... one of those posts that comes from straight from my heart, and hopefully, one that reaches straight into yours.
Today over my lunch hour, I talked with a young woman from New York who will be writing a story this weekend about our video, Ears Wide Open?, that will be published on Monday. As we spoke, she said some things that resonated with me in a big way, some things that I know will burrow their way deep into my soul, some things that I think perhaps God meant for me to hear. She said, "There are so many people who need to know that life doesn't have to end, that they can go on, that they can come out of the darkness, that there are people who love them and need them to live." And then she talked about my friends who stood around me and offered up their words of hope and healing to others, she said, "What a powerful way to end your story, Terrie ... so many people feel they are all alone. What a powerful statement of not being alone ... your friends with their own cards in their own handwriting ... powerful, powerful, powerful way to end the video coupled with the call to action for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You all have done something great here, perhaps greater than any of you will ever know." Wow. My eyes brimmed with tears as I listened to her, and the overriding thought I had the rest of the afternoon can be summed up in one word ... humbled ... just humbled.
I had to move desks this afternoon, and when I hung the framed piece with the cards that my friends held in the video, I was overwhelmed once again by the participation of each of them. Not one of them said no when I asked them ... not one of them hesitated. They stood behind me in the video, but they stand behind me in so many more ways than that. They believe in the power of the message in the video, yes, but they also believe in the power of the message of love, of acceptance, of friendship. I got a ton of hugs today at work because everyone knows how freaked out I am about getting on the plane tomorrow. But you want to know something cool? I get a lot of hugs from the people I work with every week ... hugs from my friends who never want me to feel as alone and hopeless again as I did last year. And as I got in my car to drive home this evening, I began to think about friends ... I began to think about friendship ... and that's when I knew what I needed to write tonight. See, here's the thing ... I've lost a lot of friends, or people whom I thought were my friends, over the last couple of years. You know that already because I've written about it, and I've written about how painful that's been. But tonight ... tonight, I want to tell you about some of my friends who have stayed, the ones who stand not only behind me but beside me as well.
So I have this friend who messages me words of encouragement just about every evening on Facebook. She also chews my butt when I need it, and gets plain old angry with me when I get down on myself. I have this friend who calls me just about every morning to make sure I'm still breathing. She's as plain-spoken as they come, and I absolutely love her honest and open spirit. I have this friend who was worried enough about me last year to call my doctor and voice her concerns. And she pays close attention to my ups and downs now, too, and she loves me like a sister. I have this friend who tells me every day that he's glad I'm still alive and that I inspire him and give him hope. The truth is he's the one who inspires me. I have this friend who talks Subarus and Abraham Lincoln with me, and he makes me smile every time I see him. I have this friend who listened on the day I needed it most and who continues to listen even now. She holds me accountable every single week and I'm becoming a better person because she's devoted to helping me be okay. I have this friend who told me to buy the plane tickets and go to Canada saying, "You've overcome a lot more than being afraid to get on a plane, girl. Buy the tickets and go see that baby."
For a long time, the pain of losing so many friends was almost more than I could bear. But tonight ... tonight I know I have these friends ... I have these friends who love me just the way I am ... I have these friends who accept me just the way I am ... I have these friends who are helping to ease the pain and heal the hurt ... I have these friends who make me know that I am not alone ... who tell me I need to just breathe ... who remind me to shout, "Yay, You!" ... who help me to understand that life's worth it ... who enforce that I truly am loved ... who show me that I'm stronger than I think ... who make me believe in myself ... who encourage me to just be me, awesome me.
So I have this friend ...
Today over my lunch hour, I talked with a young woman from New York who will be writing a story this weekend about our video, Ears Wide Open?, that will be published on Monday. As we spoke, she said some things that resonated with me in a big way, some things that I know will burrow their way deep into my soul, some things that I think perhaps God meant for me to hear. She said, "There are so many people who need to know that life doesn't have to end, that they can go on, that they can come out of the darkness, that there are people who love them and need them to live." And then she talked about my friends who stood around me and offered up their words of hope and healing to others, she said, "What a powerful way to end your story, Terrie ... so many people feel they are all alone. What a powerful statement of not being alone ... your friends with their own cards in their own handwriting ... powerful, powerful, powerful way to end the video coupled with the call to action for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You all have done something great here, perhaps greater than any of you will ever know." Wow. My eyes brimmed with tears as I listened to her, and the overriding thought I had the rest of the afternoon can be summed up in one word ... humbled ... just humbled.
I had to move desks this afternoon, and when I hung the framed piece with the cards that my friends held in the video, I was overwhelmed once again by the participation of each of them. Not one of them said no when I asked them ... not one of them hesitated. They stood behind me in the video, but they stand behind me in so many more ways than that. They believe in the power of the message in the video, yes, but they also believe in the power of the message of love, of acceptance, of friendship. I got a ton of hugs today at work because everyone knows how freaked out I am about getting on the plane tomorrow. But you want to know something cool? I get a lot of hugs from the people I work with every week ... hugs from my friends who never want me to feel as alone and hopeless again as I did last year. And as I got in my car to drive home this evening, I began to think about friends ... I began to think about friendship ... and that's when I knew what I needed to write tonight. See, here's the thing ... I've lost a lot of friends, or people whom I thought were my friends, over the last couple of years. You know that already because I've written about it, and I've written about how painful that's been. But tonight ... tonight, I want to tell you about some of my friends who have stayed, the ones who stand not only behind me but beside me as well.
So I have this friend who messages me words of encouragement just about every evening on Facebook. She also chews my butt when I need it, and gets plain old angry with me when I get down on myself. I have this friend who calls me just about every morning to make sure I'm still breathing. She's as plain-spoken as they come, and I absolutely love her honest and open spirit. I have this friend who was worried enough about me last year to call my doctor and voice her concerns. And she pays close attention to my ups and downs now, too, and she loves me like a sister. I have this friend who tells me every day that he's glad I'm still alive and that I inspire him and give him hope. The truth is he's the one who inspires me. I have this friend who talks Subarus and Abraham Lincoln with me, and he makes me smile every time I see him. I have this friend who listened on the day I needed it most and who continues to listen even now. She holds me accountable every single week and I'm becoming a better person because she's devoted to helping me be okay. I have this friend who told me to buy the plane tickets and go to Canada saying, "You've overcome a lot more than being afraid to get on a plane, girl. Buy the tickets and go see that baby."
For a long time, the pain of losing so many friends was almost more than I could bear. But tonight ... tonight I know I have these friends ... I have these friends who love me just the way I am ... I have these friends who accept me just the way I am ... I have these friends who are helping to ease the pain and heal the hurt ... I have these friends who make me know that I am not alone ... who tell me I need to just breathe ... who remind me to shout, "Yay, You!" ... who help me to understand that life's worth it ... who enforce that I truly am loved ... who show me that I'm stronger than I think ... who make me believe in myself ... who encourage me to just be me, awesome me.
So I have this friend ...
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Flaming Courage
So on Friday morning, I'm supposed to get on an airplane and fly to Canada. And those of you who've been reading along with me know that I haven't flown in 23 years, and I'm quite terrified. So this morning, I went to see my doctor who wrote me a prescription for medication that is supposed to "relax" me so that I can get on the airplane. I'm pretty sure that the words relax and airplane should never be used together in the same sentence. People keep asking me what I'm so afraid of when it comes to flying, so let me just share with you a small portion of my completely rational and legitimate fears about getting on an airplane and going way high up into the sky.
I'm afraid my ears or my kidneys or my colon or my heart will explode. I'm afraid I will throw up all over my son Brad who is traveling with me. I'm afraid someone will open the door and I'll get sucked out. I'm afraid I will have to pee while I'm on the plane and I'll get locked in the bathroom and not be able to get out. I'm afraid I'll breathe in like a million germs from all the sick people who will be on the plane. I'm afraid I will say or do something completely embarrassing like get too hot and try to take my clothes off. I'm afraid I will cry my guts out, providing those same guts haven't already exploded. I'm afraid they will take my medicine away from me ... okay, that one is completely weird because I have fought and begged not to have to take the meds anymore, and now I'm in a total state of panic that someone might try to take them from me ... go figure. But should I live through the experience of flying ... and you know that if God had intended for me to fly He would have given me wings, by the way ... but if I live through it, there is someone super extra special who will be waiting to see me. And I'll tell you I'm tearing up big time as I type those words because I've got a ton of memories of my children watching and waiting for my mom to walk off of a plane when she would come to visit them.
Needless to say, I've been thinking a lot about fear over the last couple of months, but for way more reasons than getting on an airplane. I seriously thought I would have a heart attack when I posted my New Year's Day blog, but down deep in my heart, I knew it was something I had to do if I ever wanted to be well. And the day we posted our video? Get out of town, people, I was in full-blown anxiety mode. Here's the thing, though ... the blog post was for me, to help me get well. The video, however ... the video is for all the other people who need something to help them want to get well, too. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline posted it on their Facebook page and Twitter feed yesterday, and people are calling the Lifeline after they watch it. You know, people have said to me over the last few months that I'm brave and that I have great courage to tell my story to others and face the judgment that many have leveled toward me. But I'm not the brave one, friends, and what small amount of courage I may possess pales in comparison to the ones who are making those calls to the Lifeline to ask for help. Those folks ... those folks are the ones with pure flaming courage, courage that burns scorchingly hot in the midst of a dark, dark night when the icy cold wind tries with all of its power to destroy it. Picking up the phone and calling the Lifeline ... reaching out to a family member or friend to say, "I need help" ... opening up about your deepest, darkest struggle ... that's bravery ... that's courage ... that's raw, real, honest flaming courage at its mightiest level.
So to those of you who have called ... to those of you who have written ... I am humbled by your courage, dear ones, and inspired by your bravery. My prayer tonight is that God will grant an extra measure of comfort to you and that He will carry you and keep you safe within His arms. Keep trying. Keep fighting. Keep breathing. Keep living. The world needs you, and so do I.
I'm afraid my ears or my kidneys or my colon or my heart will explode. I'm afraid I will throw up all over my son Brad who is traveling with me. I'm afraid someone will open the door and I'll get sucked out. I'm afraid I will have to pee while I'm on the plane and I'll get locked in the bathroom and not be able to get out. I'm afraid I'll breathe in like a million germs from all the sick people who will be on the plane. I'm afraid I will say or do something completely embarrassing like get too hot and try to take my clothes off. I'm afraid I will cry my guts out, providing those same guts haven't already exploded. I'm afraid they will take my medicine away from me ... okay, that one is completely weird because I have fought and begged not to have to take the meds anymore, and now I'm in a total state of panic that someone might try to take them from me ... go figure. But should I live through the experience of flying ... and you know that if God had intended for me to fly He would have given me wings, by the way ... but if I live through it, there is someone super extra special who will be waiting to see me. And I'll tell you I'm tearing up big time as I type those words because I've got a ton of memories of my children watching and waiting for my mom to walk off of a plane when she would come to visit them.
Needless to say, I've been thinking a lot about fear over the last couple of months, but for way more reasons than getting on an airplane. I seriously thought I would have a heart attack when I posted my New Year's Day blog, but down deep in my heart, I knew it was something I had to do if I ever wanted to be well. And the day we posted our video? Get out of town, people, I was in full-blown anxiety mode. Here's the thing, though ... the blog post was for me, to help me get well. The video, however ... the video is for all the other people who need something to help them want to get well, too. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline posted it on their Facebook page and Twitter feed yesterday, and people are calling the Lifeline after they watch it. You know, people have said to me over the last few months that I'm brave and that I have great courage to tell my story to others and face the judgment that many have leveled toward me. But I'm not the brave one, friends, and what small amount of courage I may possess pales in comparison to the ones who are making those calls to the Lifeline to ask for help. Those folks ... those folks are the ones with pure flaming courage, courage that burns scorchingly hot in the midst of a dark, dark night when the icy cold wind tries with all of its power to destroy it. Picking up the phone and calling the Lifeline ... reaching out to a family member or friend to say, "I need help" ... opening up about your deepest, darkest struggle ... that's bravery ... that's courage ... that's raw, real, honest flaming courage at its mightiest level.
So to those of you who have called ... to those of you who have written ... I am humbled by your courage, dear ones, and inspired by your bravery. My prayer tonight is that God will grant an extra measure of comfort to you and that He will carry you and keep you safe within His arms. Keep trying. Keep fighting. Keep breathing. Keep living. The world needs you, and so do I.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I Want It
This may surprise some of you ... or most of you ... but I was rather spoiled as a kid. Since my closest sibling in age was 15 years older than me, I was the baby of the family in the truest sense of the word. By the time I came along, Mom and Dad both had jobs and made decent money ... they weren't rich by any means, and they both had blue-collar jobs, but they made enough money that they had some extra to spend. They each had certain things they liked to spend money on ... Mom loved shoes, and Daddy loved suits ... but they both loved spending money on me. And within reason, all I had to do was say, "I want it," especially to Daddy, and I pretty much got whatever was the item of my wanting at the time. Now that I think about it, I never got a horse though. Maybe I'll have to mention that to Daddy in heaven one day ... hmmm ... my guess is if I make it to heaven and if we actually do recognize one another there, I won't care one little bit about not getting a horse when I was young. I'm pretty sure I'll be much more focused on much bigger and better things.
I mentioned a couple of posts ago about the multitude of questions and comments I've received over the last few months, and though those questions and comments often sting, there is one very good thing that has come from them. They have made me think deeply about a lot of things and search my soul about what I believe, what I need, what I want. They've made me think about big things ... like God's love for all people and how Jesus specifically told us that we are to love as He loves ("A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34) ... like whether or not He really does have a purpose in keeping me around ("'For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11). They've made me consider that maybe, just maybe, there's a reason I've been in the desert when it comes to my faith ... maybe I've been in the desert so that I learn to thirst only for Him ("Jesus answered and said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.'" John 4:13-15).
A friend said something to me today that has given me pause to rethink some of those recent questions and to search my soul again about what I believe, what I need, what I want. My friend said a lot of things today, but it was what she said about making something my own goal rather than the goal of someone else that struck a chord deep within me. "Until it's yours, it won't happen, you know." Until it's mine ... until I make it something I believe in ... something I need ... something I want, I'll never achieve it. As I drove home this evening, my friend's words echoed in my brain and resonated in my heart ... "If you really want it, it will be easier. SO WANT IT, DARN IT!" And yes, she was yelling ... she was yelling because she wanted me to hear what she was saying, to really get it. And I do get it, I think. A goal set before me by someone else becomes nothing more than a task for me to complete. For it to become something of great value to me, something I strive to attain, I must want it ... I must want it, and then it will be so much easier to do whatever is required of me in order to reach my goal. Think about it, friends, there's a big, humongous, gigantic lesson in my friend's words ... a lesson that's about way more than making one thing my own goal. It's a lesson about faith, about strength, about courage, about determination, about believing in God and believing in myself.
"Until it's yours, it won't happen, you know. If you really want it, it will be easier. SO WANT IT, DARN IT!"
I mentioned a couple of posts ago about the multitude of questions and comments I've received over the last few months, and though those questions and comments often sting, there is one very good thing that has come from them. They have made me think deeply about a lot of things and search my soul about what I believe, what I need, what I want. They've made me think about big things ... like God's love for all people and how Jesus specifically told us that we are to love as He loves ("A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34) ... like whether or not He really does have a purpose in keeping me around ("'For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11). They've made me consider that maybe, just maybe, there's a reason I've been in the desert when it comes to my faith ... maybe I've been in the desert so that I learn to thirst only for Him ("Jesus answered and said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.'" John 4:13-15).
A friend said something to me today that has given me pause to rethink some of those recent questions and to search my soul again about what I believe, what I need, what I want. My friend said a lot of things today, but it was what she said about making something my own goal rather than the goal of someone else that struck a chord deep within me. "Until it's yours, it won't happen, you know." Until it's mine ... until I make it something I believe in ... something I need ... something I want, I'll never achieve it. As I drove home this evening, my friend's words echoed in my brain and resonated in my heart ... "If you really want it, it will be easier. SO WANT IT, DARN IT!" And yes, she was yelling ... she was yelling because she wanted me to hear what she was saying, to really get it. And I do get it, I think. A goal set before me by someone else becomes nothing more than a task for me to complete. For it to become something of great value to me, something I strive to attain, I must want it ... I must want it, and then it will be so much easier to do whatever is required of me in order to reach my goal. Think about it, friends, there's a big, humongous, gigantic lesson in my friend's words ... a lesson that's about way more than making one thing my own goal. It's a lesson about faith, about strength, about courage, about determination, about believing in God and believing in myself.
"Until it's yours, it won't happen, you know. If you really want it, it will be easier. SO WANT IT, DARN IT!"
Monday, March 25, 2013
So ... Tomorrow
I've read at least a million words today, and my eyes hurt. And I need to go to bed soon. But first I have to empty my dishwasher so I can fill it up again. So tonight's post is going to be short ... very short. But I promise to write a deep one tomorrow night ... yes, I used the famous "p" word so now I have to do it.
So ... tomorrow around noon or so, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is planning to post the video Brad and I and some friends from my office made on their Facebook page and Twitter. Our hope is that people who need to hear the message will click on the link and watch. Because those are the people we made the video for ... the ones who need it most. Our goal for Ears Wide Open? from the beginning was to raise awareness of depression and to offer hope to so many who feel there is no way out of the darkness that surrounds them. To help people who are hurting, people who know someone who is hurting, people who have hurt in the past, people who need help and healing and hope. You can help by "Liking" both the video and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline's page tomorrow, and retweeting their post on Twitter.
A special thanks to the Lifeline for their tireless efforts to help save lives. Here's the link to their Facebook page ... https://www.facebook.com/800273TALK?ref=ts&fref=ts
and you can find them on Twitter @800273TALK. If someone you know is depressed, please, please, please pay attention to the warning signs that may indicate the person is considering ending his or her life. And don't just tell them to get help, help them get help. Step up and step in ... you may be the one to help them live to see another tomorrow.
Suicide Warning Signs
Any of the following could be potential warning signs for suicide:
So ... tomorrow around noon or so, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is planning to post the video Brad and I and some friends from my office made on their Facebook page and Twitter. Our hope is that people who need to hear the message will click on the link and watch. Because those are the people we made the video for ... the ones who need it most. Our goal for Ears Wide Open? from the beginning was to raise awareness of depression and to offer hope to so many who feel there is no way out of the darkness that surrounds them. To help people who are hurting, people who know someone who is hurting, people who have hurt in the past, people who need help and healing and hope. You can help by "Liking" both the video and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline's page tomorrow, and retweeting their post on Twitter.
A special thanks to the Lifeline for their tireless efforts to help save lives. Here's the link to their Facebook page ... https://www.facebook.com/800273TALK?ref=ts&fref=ts
and you can find them on Twitter @800273TALK. If someone you know is depressed, please, please, please pay attention to the warning signs that may indicate the person is considering ending his or her life. And don't just tell them to get help, help them get help. Step up and step in ... you may be the one to help them live to see another tomorrow.
Suicide Warning Signs
Any of the following could be potential warning signs for suicide:
- Excessive sadness or moodiness: Long-lasting sadness, mood swings, and unexpected rage.
- Sleep problems.
- Sudden calmness: Suddenly becoming calm after a period of depression or moodiness can be a sign that the person has made a decision to end his or her life.
- Withdrawal: Choosing to be alone and avoiding friends or social activities also are possible symptoms of depression, a leading cause of suicide. This includes the loss of interest or pleasure in activities the person previously enjoyed.
- Changes in personality and/or appearance: A person who is considering suicide might exhibit a change in attitude or behavior, such as speaking or moving with unusual speed or slowness. In addition, the person might suddenly become less concerned about his or her personal appearance.
- Dangerous or self-harmful behavior: Potentially dangerous behavior, such as reckless driving, engaging in unsafe sex, and increased use of drugs and/or alcohol might indicate that the person no longer values his or her life.
- Recent trauma or life crisis: A major life crises might trigger a suicide attempt. Crises include the death of a loved one or pet, divorce or break-up of a relationship, diagnosis of a major illness, loss of a job, or serious financial problems.
- Making preparations: Often, a person considering suicide will begin to put his or her personal business in order. This might include visiting friends and family members, giving away personal possessions, making a will, and cleaning up his or her room or home. Some people will write a note before committing suicide. Some will buy a firearm or other means like poison.
- Threatening suicide: From 50% to 75% of those considering suicide will give someone -- a friend or relative -- a warning sign. However, not everyone who is considering suicide will say so, and not everyone who threatens suicide will follow through with it. Every threat of suicide should be taken seriously.
- Older people who have lost a spouse through death or divorce
- People who have attempted suicide in the past
- People with a family history of suicide
- People with a friend or co-worker who committed suicide
- People with a history of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
- People who are unmarried, unskilled, or unemployed
- People with long-term pain or a disabling or terminal illness
- People who are prone to violent or impulsive behavior
- People who have recently been released from a psychiatric hospitalization (this often is a very frightening period of transition)
- People in certain professions, such as police officers and health care providers who work with terminally ill patients
- People with substance abuse problems
Sunday, March 24, 2013
People Like Me ... And You
If there's one thing those of you who are parents of multiple children can relate to, it's this ... no two children are alike, and their differences are often evidenced even while they are in the womb. That was certainly true of my three children anyway. Matt had the hiccups every single day while I was pregnant with him, and it was more than comical to watch my belly jiggle every time he hiccupped. Brad was the calmest and most laid back of my three, he wasn't a big kicker or mover ... well ... until he decided to enter the world just a few short minutes after I arrived at the hospital when I went into labor. Meghann was the most active ... holy cow, was she active ... she kicked and rolled around and seemed to never sleep. And to this day, my three wonderful children are still as different as night and day. I notice their differences when we are all together, but I think I notice them even more when I spend time with them individually. I've come to realize something over the last years, however ... for as different as my kiddos are, they are also very much alike in one huge way. Matt, Brad and Meghann are very much alike when it comes to love ... the way they love me, the way they love those who mean the most to them in this world, and even the way they love each other (though they would never admit that one).
I spent a good part of today cleaning house, doing laundry and packing ... seemed like a good thing to do on a snowy Sunday, though I think my lazy dogs had a better idea, snuggling under blankets and snoozing the day away. When I finished with my chores, I sat down to check emails and messages, and rest my aching shoulder ... yes, it always hurts on snowy, cold days. As usual, there were ... well ... not very nice messages, but there were also some positive, encouraging ones, too, and one in particular has been rolling around in my mind ever since I read the following words ... "I've been keeping up with you and your blog ... please know that I have been praying for you and asking God to hold you close to His side! I pray, too, that the body of Christ is loving you well ... you always have an open invitation to join us at my church! Many of us would love to see you and hug your neck! I am humbled by the ministry that unfolded before you as you shared your inmost heart ... so many people are hurting and need to know that God sees and that He cares for them! All to His glory, my friend, all to His glory! Grace and peace!"
There are many things about that dear woman's message that touched me ... so many things, and tears filled my eyes as I read it. But one phrase pierced me to the very core of my soul ... "the ministry that unfolded before you" ... yep, you can bet those words pierced my soul in a big way. Here's the thing ... lots of people have told me lately that I shouldn't be involved in any type of ministry, and I'd like you to know that you really don't have to tell me that. You see, I know how very unworthy I am better than anyone ... trust me, friends ... no one knows better than I do how undeserving I am of God's love or grace or mercy ... I know, I know, I know. But the truth? The truth is that not one of us deserves His love or grace or mercy ... in that, we are all alike. People like me and people like you ... there's nothing we can do to ever deserve Him ... not one thing. I don't know whether or not God is using me to minister to anyone, but I do know that He can choose to use even the most broken, undeserving, unworthy vessels to accomplish His purpose ... for all the things that I don't know anymore, I do know that truth remains.
People like me ... people like you ... and a great and mighty God.
I spent a good part of today cleaning house, doing laundry and packing ... seemed like a good thing to do on a snowy Sunday, though I think my lazy dogs had a better idea, snuggling under blankets and snoozing the day away. When I finished with my chores, I sat down to check emails and messages, and rest my aching shoulder ... yes, it always hurts on snowy, cold days. As usual, there were ... well ... not very nice messages, but there were also some positive, encouraging ones, too, and one in particular has been rolling around in my mind ever since I read the following words ... "I've been keeping up with you and your blog ... please know that I have been praying for you and asking God to hold you close to His side! I pray, too, that the body of Christ is loving you well ... you always have an open invitation to join us at my church! Many of us would love to see you and hug your neck! I am humbled by the ministry that unfolded before you as you shared your inmost heart ... so many people are hurting and need to know that God sees and that He cares for them! All to His glory, my friend, all to His glory! Grace and peace!"
There are many things about that dear woman's message that touched me ... so many things, and tears filled my eyes as I read it. But one phrase pierced me to the very core of my soul ... "the ministry that unfolded before you" ... yep, you can bet those words pierced my soul in a big way. Here's the thing ... lots of people have told me lately that I shouldn't be involved in any type of ministry, and I'd like you to know that you really don't have to tell me that. You see, I know how very unworthy I am better than anyone ... trust me, friends ... no one knows better than I do how undeserving I am of God's love or grace or mercy ... I know, I know, I know. But the truth? The truth is that not one of us deserves His love or grace or mercy ... in that, we are all alike. People like me and people like you ... there's nothing we can do to ever deserve Him ... not one thing. I don't know whether or not God is using me to minister to anyone, but I do know that He can choose to use even the most broken, undeserving, unworthy vessels to accomplish His purpose ... for all the things that I don't know anymore, I do know that truth remains.
People like me ... people like you ... and a great and mighty God.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K.
I've got a confession to make ... yes, another one. When I was in school, I really disliked doing homework. I really, really, really disliked doing homework. So much so that I spent way more time trying to find a way not to have to do it than it would have taken me to just do it. I became a master at coming up with creative excuses as to why I didn't do the assigned work ... forget the old faithful, "The dog ate my homework," or "I was sick last night and went to bed really early." Oh, no, I was much more creative than to use such boring excuses as those. No, no ... I said things like, "A guy lost control of his car on our street and drove into our house and crashed into the table that had all my homework on it and then the table caught on fire and burned up everything on it." Or, "My little nephew Charlie got sick and threw up on my homework, and it was too late for me to do it over again." And my all-time favorite, "There's a revival at my church this week, and God told me I should spend the night praying instead of doing homework." Yeah, yeah, I know ... I'm sure that last one earned me a bunch of black marks in God's book as well as the teacher's. You get my point, though ... I really, really, really disliked doing homework.
To say that I am a bit anxious about my upcoming trip to Canada to see my son and his family is without a doubt the most gigantic understatement in the history of the world. And if I were to tell you that the life-saving doctor didn't immediately hone in on my anxiousness at my appointment today, that would be nothing short of a great big old lie. I'm pretty sure she knew before my butt was even in the chair today that I was worked up, stressed out and not a happy camper. In fact, I'm pretty sure my heart was pounding so loudly she could probably hear it ... kind of like the movie Jumanji when the game made the beating noise that everyone could hear. OK ... when I say things like that, it's no wonder everyone thinks I'm cracking up. But once again, I digress ... back to my visit with the life-saving head doctor. It didn't take long today for my Sheldon Cooper-ness to kick in ... there was something different on the table next to the chair I always sit in, a square thing with liquid in it. It's never been on that table before, and though I didn't tell the dear doctor, it freaked me out because it wasn't supposed to be there. On a day when I was over-the-top stressed out, there was something weird on the table next to me ... sheesh. And you want to know what freaks me out even more? Knowing that the good doctor takes note of everything I say and do when I'm at her office, and knowing that she knows it bugged the heck out of me that the weird square thing with the weird liquid in it was on the table. Again, when I say things like that ... it's no wonder she insists that I still come to see her.
We talked about me getting on the plane ... of course we did. And the more we talked about it, the faster and louder my heart pounded. At one point, I almost said, "Can you not hear that? Can you not hear my heart? I swear it's going to beat right out of my chest. How can you not hear it?" But then the whole Jumanji thing reminded me that I'd better not say that out loud ... come on, seriously? I may be crazy, but I'm not ridiculously stupid. Oh, wait a sec, she reads my blog ... guess she knows about me and my heart and Jumanji now, huh? Oh, well ... I'm pretty sure she already knows how my minds works anyway. Geez ... I'm having some major digression issues tonight ... back to what the head doc and I talked about today. We talked about a lot of things ... and nope, I'm not going to share them with you. Suffice it to say that I assured the wonderful life-saving doctor that I am fine. I'm fine. It's all going to be just fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. She knows what fine means ... yep, she sure does, which is why she gave me the homework that she did at the conclusion of our visit.
So, I'm not going to tell you what all of my homework consists of, but I do want share one thing the doctor asked me to do. When she said, "I want you to make a list," I immediately said, "Oh, I like lists. I like crossing things off lists as I do them ... gives me a feeling of accomplishment." And then she told me what she wanted me to put on the list ... ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. I've tried at least a dozen times since I left the life-saving head doctor's office this afternoon to work on my list, and tonight I'm thinking it may be an impossible task for me to complete. Tonight I'm thinking about how to come up with some creative excuse for not doing my homework. Tonight I'm thinking I'll do what I generally do when I don't want to think or do or be ... I'm thinking I'll go to bed, snuggle in with my two doggies, pull the covers over my head and hope and pray that I can sleep. Told you I really, really, really dislike doing homework. Told you.
Oh, and since I know a ton of you are going to flood me with messages wanting to know ... the list ... the life-saving head doctor told me to make a list of my positive attributes ... reasons why God loves me, reasons why people love me, reasons why I should love myself. And the one thing I've placed on the list? I have good hair. Really, really, really good hair. Yep, when I say things like that ... well ... you know.
Sleep well, friends ... me and my hound dogs are calling it a night.
To say that I am a bit anxious about my upcoming trip to Canada to see my son and his family is without a doubt the most gigantic understatement in the history of the world. And if I were to tell you that the life-saving doctor didn't immediately hone in on my anxiousness at my appointment today, that would be nothing short of a great big old lie. I'm pretty sure she knew before my butt was even in the chair today that I was worked up, stressed out and not a happy camper. In fact, I'm pretty sure my heart was pounding so loudly she could probably hear it ... kind of like the movie Jumanji when the game made the beating noise that everyone could hear. OK ... when I say things like that, it's no wonder everyone thinks I'm cracking up. But once again, I digress ... back to my visit with the life-saving head doctor. It didn't take long today for my Sheldon Cooper-ness to kick in ... there was something different on the table next to the chair I always sit in, a square thing with liquid in it. It's never been on that table before, and though I didn't tell the dear doctor, it freaked me out because it wasn't supposed to be there. On a day when I was over-the-top stressed out, there was something weird on the table next to me ... sheesh. And you want to know what freaks me out even more? Knowing that the good doctor takes note of everything I say and do when I'm at her office, and knowing that she knows it bugged the heck out of me that the weird square thing with the weird liquid in it was on the table. Again, when I say things like that ... it's no wonder she insists that I still come to see her.
We talked about me getting on the plane ... of course we did. And the more we talked about it, the faster and louder my heart pounded. At one point, I almost said, "Can you not hear that? Can you not hear my heart? I swear it's going to beat right out of my chest. How can you not hear it?" But then the whole Jumanji thing reminded me that I'd better not say that out loud ... come on, seriously? I may be crazy, but I'm not ridiculously stupid. Oh, wait a sec, she reads my blog ... guess she knows about me and my heart and Jumanji now, huh? Oh, well ... I'm pretty sure she already knows how my minds works anyway. Geez ... I'm having some major digression issues tonight ... back to what the head doc and I talked about today. We talked about a lot of things ... and nope, I'm not going to share them with you. Suffice it to say that I assured the wonderful life-saving doctor that I am fine. I'm fine. It's all going to be just fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. She knows what fine means ... yep, she sure does, which is why she gave me the homework that she did at the conclusion of our visit.
So, I'm not going to tell you what all of my homework consists of, but I do want share one thing the doctor asked me to do. When she said, "I want you to make a list," I immediately said, "Oh, I like lists. I like crossing things off lists as I do them ... gives me a feeling of accomplishment." And then she told me what she wanted me to put on the list ... ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. I've tried at least a dozen times since I left the life-saving head doctor's office this afternoon to work on my list, and tonight I'm thinking it may be an impossible task for me to complete. Tonight I'm thinking about how to come up with some creative excuse for not doing my homework. Tonight I'm thinking I'll do what I generally do when I don't want to think or do or be ... I'm thinking I'll go to bed, snuggle in with my two doggies, pull the covers over my head and hope and pray that I can sleep. Told you I really, really, really dislike doing homework. Told you.
Oh, and since I know a ton of you are going to flood me with messages wanting to know ... the list ... the life-saving head doctor told me to make a list of my positive attributes ... reasons why God loves me, reasons why people love me, reasons why I should love myself. And the one thing I've placed on the list? I have good hair. Really, really, really good hair. Yep, when I say things like that ... well ... you know.
Sleep well, friends ... me and my hound dogs are calling it a night.
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