I sort of wrestled on what to write about tonight ... I am getting on a plane in the morning after all and should any of the things happen that I wrote about last night, tonight's blog should be one that you will all remember forever, right? I was torn between something funny with a title like "Planes, Trains and One Over-the-Top, Freaked-Out Terrie" or something mega-serious with a title like "What I Would Write if This Were My Last Post." I've actually been contemplating tonight's post for a couple of weeks since I bought the plane tickets ... and it was as I drove home from work tonight that I knew what I wanted to say. I have no idea if this will be one of those posts that clicks with some of you, or if it's one that will be widely read and passed along. And the truth is, I know it's one of those posts I need to write ... one of those posts that comes from straight from my heart, and hopefully, one that reaches straight into yours.
Today over my lunch hour, I talked with a young woman from New York who will be writing a story this weekend about our video, Ears Wide Open?, that will be published on Monday. As we spoke, she said some things that resonated with me in a big way, some things that I know will burrow their way deep into my soul, some things that I think perhaps God meant for me to hear. She said, "There are so many people who need to know that life doesn't have to end, that they can go on, that they can come out of the darkness, that there are people who love them and need them to live." And then she talked about my friends who stood around me and offered up their words of hope and healing to others, she said, "What a powerful way to end your story, Terrie ... so many people feel they are all alone. What a powerful statement of not being alone ... your friends with their own cards in their own handwriting ... powerful, powerful, powerful way to end the video coupled with the call to action for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You all have done something great here, perhaps greater than any of you will ever know." Wow. My eyes brimmed with tears as I listened to her, and the overriding thought I had the rest of the afternoon can be summed up in one word ... humbled ... just humbled.
I had to move desks this afternoon, and when I hung the framed piece with the cards that my friends held in the video, I was overwhelmed once again by the participation of each of them. Not one of them said no when I asked them ... not one of them hesitated. They stood behind me in the video, but they stand behind me in so many more ways than that. They believe in the power of the message in the video, yes, but they also believe in the power of the message of love, of acceptance, of friendship. I got a ton of hugs today at work because everyone knows how freaked out I am about getting on the plane tomorrow. But you want to know something cool? I get a lot of hugs from the people I work with every week ... hugs from my friends who never want me to feel as alone and hopeless again as I did last year. And as I got in my car to drive home this evening, I began to think about friends ... I began to think about friendship ... and that's when I knew what I needed to write tonight. See, here's the thing ... I've lost a lot of friends, or people whom I thought were my friends, over the last couple of years. You know that already because I've written about it, and I've written about how painful that's been. But tonight ... tonight, I want to tell you about some of my friends who have stayed, the ones who stand not only behind me but beside me as well.
So I have this friend who messages me words of encouragement just about every evening on Facebook. She also chews my butt when I need it, and gets plain old angry with me when I get down on myself. I have this friend who calls me just about every morning to make sure I'm still breathing. She's as plain-spoken as they come, and I absolutely love her honest and open spirit. I have this friend who was worried enough about me last year to call my doctor and voice her concerns. And she pays close attention to my ups and downs now, too, and she loves me like a sister. I have this friend who tells me every day that he's glad I'm still alive and that I inspire him and give him hope. The truth is he's the one who inspires me. I have this friend who talks Subarus and Abraham Lincoln with me, and he makes me smile every time I see him. I have this friend who listened on the day I needed it most and who continues to listen even now. She holds me accountable every single week and I'm becoming a better person because she's devoted to helping me be okay. I have this friend who told me to buy the plane tickets and go to Canada saying, "You've overcome a lot more than being afraid to get on a plane, girl. Buy the tickets and go see that baby."
For a long time, the pain of losing so many friends was almost more than I could bear. But tonight ... tonight I know I have these friends ... I have these friends who love me just the way I am ... I have these friends who accept me just the way I am ... I have these friends who are helping to ease the pain and heal the hurt ... I have these friends who make me know that I am not alone ... who tell me I need to just breathe ... who remind me to shout, "Yay, You!" ... who help me to understand that life's worth it ... who enforce that I truly am loved ... who show me that I'm stronger than I think ... who make me believe in myself ... who encourage me to just be me, awesome me.
So I have this friend ...
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